This semester I had no finals. Like, literally, none. And every time I think about how I’m moving to the other side of the globe for a few months my stomach drops into my asshole and I fall into a vortex of paralyzing anxiety. So I decided to postpone the moving out process and live freely in Burlington with zero responsibilities for a week and a half. I mostly just binge ate and drank and shopped my credit card dry (from the comfort of my own couch, G-d forbid I went downtown because that requires walking (yeah I spelled G-d like that and it’s not weird because I’m Jewish)) Oh. Speaking of walking. On the last day of classes I went to hand in a project and for the first time all semester I WALKED TO CLASS. Outside. In the snow. It was like zero degrees. Never again.
One day, Hannah Lil, Amanda, and I went skiing. And by skiing, I mean we chugged mimosas by the fire before doing about 4-5 runs and then retiring back to the fire for a “light lunch” of nachos, sweet potato fries, and artichoke dip. When we finally trudged back to the parking lot, exhausted after such a strenuous day of skiing, we realized that Amanda’s car was stuck in a snow bank. When Hannah Lil’s zumba-muscles couldn’t push us out, we were forced to call triple A, who couldn’t come for another two hours. So we sat in the car and watched Bethenny Frankel Getting Married or whatever the hell that show is called. I once saw Bethenny in the airport at Starbucks.
I spent a lot of quality time at NSU (my second home/a straight up crack den) drinking chocolate vino, (DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME IT IS DISGUSTING) eating pizza & candy canes, and smoking crack. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen any of the Mary Kate and Ashley movies but if you’ve never seen them then you should probably go do that right now. One night we watched Holiday in the Sun AND Passport to Paris and I don’t think I’ve seen such quality craftsmanship in my entire life. Brilliant. Just brilliant. The writing, the acting, the storyline, the costumes…. all I can say is wow. The way MK&A’s skin and eyes shined before they they discovered the magic of crystal meth. And the SOUNDTRACKS. Spoiler alert: “Us Against the World” is PERFORMED by the 7 year olds of the band Play! Thrilling. Yeah, so that happened.
One day KPeace and I woke up and googled “Winter Activities in Vermont that Aren’t Skiing.” And coincidentally, there was a Christmas Festival in Stowe. We hopped into KP’s Super-Duty Pickup truck (I wish I were kidding, I’m sure she’ll explain later) and drove up (or is it down?) to Stowe. We saw Santa but sadly decided that we’re too old to sit on his lap without it being creepy. So we bought some fancy chocolate and went on a casual hay ride. The driver asked each us if we were cowgirls (um what the fuck, you creepy old man) and made us wear hats. It was a lovely day. Ps, I guess KP got the pirate hat.
In celebration* of our last night in Burlington, we decided to get A-B-C-Demolished. Brett and I started at dinner with our NSU companions, where we drank Stellas and ate bread and butter. Then we joined some other friends to continue the night’s adventures. KP and Alexandra took pictures sitting on a cornflake.
They all did kareoke. And then, later in the night, KPeace remembered why we were drinking in the first place. Because we were all leaving the following day. She got a little sad. So I decided to cheer her up by….
OKAY WAIT. If you’re in our sorority, please stop reading here. Seriously. It’s not interesting or funny. Just don’t read this next part. Earmuffs.
…throwing ceramic teacups in the street. Brett, KP, and I took one teacup and one little plate each and threw them onto the pavement. It was wildly cathartic. We may or may not have been drunkenly sing/screaming “Runaway” by Kanye West when the Burlington police slowly drove past us, tires crunching over the broken shards of teacup.
*I, personally, was not celebrating our departure from Burlington. In fact, I was drinking in order to drown out the sorrow and dread I felt about leaving this wonderful, blissful, G-dforsaken place.
The next day we woke up and packed up THE ROOM. Ugh, that room. What a room. I’ll miss it a lot. But there are some things I won’t miss about living in a sorority house. For example:
1. Running out of seltzer on Tuesdays.
At our house, grocery shopping happens every Sunday. So when you run out of something by, say, Tuesday… well that sucks. Because you have to wait until the following Sunday until you have it again. Take Polar seltzer. I think there is some sort of requirement in our sorority that you HAVE to live for and only for Polar selzter. Because every week we buy like 2 dozen boxes of it. But there are some sisters that will remain unnamed (only because I don’t know who they are) that just PRETEND to like Polar seltzer. They’ll take a can, drink like four to six sips of it to look like a cool, seltzer drinking soroity girl, and then leave it on the living room table. And then they’ll repeat this bizarrre behavior again and again until all the seltzer is gone. Fuck you, selzter stealing bitches.
2. Having to whisper when I talk shit about people because the walls are so thin.
…I mean, it’s just an inconvenience to have to lower my voice.
Everytime I decide to buckle down and get some “homework” done, there’s someone sitting on the couch, trying to lure me in. Everytime I go on a healthy kick and decide to stop eating pretzels dipped in cream cheese (DON’T JUDGE ME) there’s someone sitting on the couch with cream cheese, trying to lure me in. Everytime I tell myself that I’m going to take it easy tonight, maybe just read a book, there’s someone sitting on the couch, eating cream cheese, talking about her going-out plans, trying to lure me in. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH SISTERS, STOP ENABLING ME!
Honestly, I can’t think of anything else that pisses me off about living in the sorority house because I just love it so damn much. Also, my mom just got home from a holiday cookie swap and all I can think about are cookies. Literally like my mind is blank cookie cookie cookie……………………