Okay, so this incident actually happened a while ago. But as K-Peace and I decided tonight at our pizza-party-sisterhood-event (jokes), this isn’t anything new. We’ve always been like this. Ya know… not serious about life.
During spring break of my freshman year of college, I went to Las Vegas with my boyfriend Neil, his sister, and his parents. Being that Neil and I were 18 (fetuses) at the time, the bulk of our trip consisted of shopping and wandering through casinos. It was a really, really fun time and his family is so great.
But one night, something happened that I will never, ever forget.
I don’t know if you’re at all familiar with Cirque du Soliel. If not, Cirque du Soliel performances are a little bit circus, a lot a bit acrobatics, and some sketchy-ass music and costumes. Cirque du Soliel shows are also known for having some audience participation bits sprinkled in here and there. Ya know, there’s always one of the weirdo characters wandering through the audience as people are taking their seats and stealing popcorn and trying to get some laughs and such. A little here a little there. Standard. It happens, we move on.
Not so fast.
In this Cirque du Soliel show, entitled MYSTERE, the audience participation doesn’t end there. Oh, by the way, have you ever seen scene from Knocked Up where they eat shrooms and go to a Cirque show (yeah we’re on a first name basis now)? Same show. Mystere. Anyway, Neil, his family, and I are sitting LITERALLY in the front row LITERALLY dead freakin’ center. Front and center of the audience.
Okay so there’s this big baby. And it’s bouncing one of those hugeeeeeeee bouncy balls and it’s getting kinda close to the stage so like you know what’s gonna happen next, and the big baby’s giggling and the ball’s getting closer, giggle, bounce, giggle, bounce, giggle — WHOOPS. The ball misses the edge of the stage and comes FLYING AT MY FACE. It was bound to happen. I have Neil to my right, his sister to my left, and one giant rubber ball flying at my face (God if I had a dollar for every time…). So I do the only logical thing to do. Put my hands up to “catch” it (not that you can really catch something of its gerth) and tilt my hands over so that it kind of rolls more onto Neil’s side. Heh heh.
What happens next can only be described as “the beginning of the end.” Neil lifts up the giant ball, stands up from his seat, and kind of rolls the ball over, back to the baby. Suddenly we all hear this DEAFENING GIGGLE and the ball comes flying right back at Neil’s face. He stands up again and rolls the ball back to the baby. This happens about two more times when suddenly a spotlight shines right on Neil’s scruffy face and the baby utters one single word.
That was it. Neil was Papa for the rest of the show. Like, bye. As the baby came back here and there throughout the show they would call out Neil and call him Papa and shine the spotlight on him and this and that and the baby would cry and then he’d laugh and ugh, it was magical. At one point, the baby somehow forced Neil up on stage. I don’t remember how it happened exactly but he got Neil on stage, all the while calling him Papa and making baby noises, etc. And then he squirted water in Neil’s face. Typical clown. But honestly, imagine your boy/girlfriend GOING UP ON STAGE AT A SHOW IN LAS VEGAS AND GETTING WATER SQUIRTED IN HIS FACE. If you think I didn’t literally choke on my tongue from laughing so hard, you’re lying to yourself. I actually had tears running down my cheeks and I was making that embarrassing gulping for air/hiccup sound that people sometimes do when they laugh too hard. Magical. Simply magical.
According to the Cirque website, the “Les Bebes” characters are “always in search of warmth and food, the babies represent the primitive human state: selfish and hungry.” Umm.. okay, I guess I see where you’re going with that one.
Neil’s journey into the acrobat world doesn’t end there, my friends. No, not at all. Somewhere towards the end of the show (the Grand Finale, if you will) Le Bebe comes out in a golf cart, wearing his bonnet and sucking on his oversized bottle. We all know this is ridiculous because babies cannot drive. The golf cart weaves in an out of the audience, up one aisle, down another. One would never know where he’ll end up. But I did. Oh I knew presicely where that big baby would end up. RIGHT NEXT TO NEIL’S SEAT, THAT’S WHERE. And that he did. But to my surprise, le bebe then proceeded to CAPTURE my boyfriend and wisk him away in the baby golf cart! UMMMMM…………. WHAT???????
So Neil is gone and im looking at his sister in shock and disbelief while the show is still going on right in front of my very eyes. “WHERE’D THEY TAKE MY BROTHER??” sister screamed, half laughing but still mildly conerced. Finally the golf carf finally emerges with le bebe and Neil in tow. Ugh. I don’t think I can go on. I don’t think I can describe what I saw without throwing up from laughing so hard. I’ll try. Neil was literally wearing a baby bonnet, a dress, and sucking on his very own giant baby bottle. I mean. I didn’t even know what to do with myself. Needless to say I didn’t watch any of the rest of the show because my tear ducts were overworked from crying/laughing so hard. My boyfriend was dressed up as a baby on a Las Vegas showstage. Are we serious, America? Is this really my life?
It’s funny too because Neil really is a big baby. He recently dislocated his shoulder in some sort of Jewish football game? I’m not really sure, but I know that he’s been complaining a lot due to:
1. Loss of movement in right arm
2. Pain in right arm
3. Discomfort from being in a sling
4. Constipation from prescripton vicodin